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I came so close to being fabulously rich recently, you see, I was contacted by someone in an unfortunate situation and had a very hush-hush dialogue. I am only making this information public now because my supposed benefactor decided to stop writing me. As usual, for my own anonymity, I have removed references to my name and address. I did not, however, remove his address, please spam away!

Here is how it started:


From : "Dr.Kevin Hop" <kevin_mosco@hotmail.com> Reply-To : dr.kevin_hop@fsmail.net
To : kevin_mosco@hotmail.com
Subject : GOOD DAY.....
Date : Tue, 28 Oct 2003 13:22:35 +0200
PHONE#:(874)-76-2864166,
FAX#: {874}-76-2864168,
JOHANNESBURG - S/Africa.

Dear Sir/Madam,

FUND MANAGEMENT

I humbly wish to seek your assistance in matter that is very important and needs utmost trust and confidence. I am Kevin Hop, a close confidant of one of South-African most powerful family. The wife of former top Government official, a Gold magnet {Original Owner of MUGGER GOLD CO.}, i.e. late CHIEF BAMUNGA SANGO MBEKI, former Junior Minister of Mines and Power Federal republic of South-Africa. Unfortunately, he died soon after handing over because the new Government wanted to probe his activities while in office for financial misappropriations. Presently, all their foreign and local account was frozen and their assets confiscated.

The wife wishes to move out of South-Africa the sum of US$42 million along with some large quantity of gold and diamond, she wishes to invest the aforementioned sum in viable investment overseas.

For obvious reasons, my client does not want to place this fund with established financial institution with the family name for security reasons. It is her desire that the deal be handled as quietly as possible without possibility of any leakage to the public or Government. She has therefore empowered me to find and negotiate for a reliable and trustworthy foreigner who can assist us by using his/her name in moving the money to a foreign safe account and who can assist to invest the fund properly for the family.

If you agree to act as a fund manager for my client and the family, I shall release the sum of US$42 million to you if you meet my requirements. The money is available safe with a private security company coded and lodged in with a fictitious name. Upon a favorable response from you, I shall let you know the steps involve.

Your commission shall be down payment of 15% of the total sum, that is US$6.3 million and annual 10% of the after tax returns on investment for the first 5 years. Thereafter, the terms shall be re-negotiated.

If you are capable and willing to participate in this transaction contact me through my email address OR by phone for a heart to heart discussion.

NOTE, IF FOR ANY REASON YOU ARE NOT DISPOSED AT MOMENT TO UNDERTAKE THIS DEAL, LET ME KNOW ON TIME AS TO MAKE ALTERNATIVE ARRANGEMENT.

I look forward to your earliest reply through my private email:[dr.kevin_hop@fsmail.net]

Best regards,

Dr.Kevin Hop,


Holy SHIT! Obviously, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, so I had no choice but to write back:
Subject : Re: GOOD DAY.....

My dearest Kevin,

Long have I waited for one such as thou, from the cold steel anthems of boston to the proverbial prefecture of pain. I would love to give you money, and I am rich so it is not a problem for me to give you LOTS of money (and I mean BUCKETS). It is cold here, in the solace of my aching soul. Is there a way that I can help you and marry somebody that you know? I am sorry that I have not been to Africa to see you recently, how is our daughter? I would like someday to marry her.

Love,

Blanche


Because of my sincerety and masterfully commanded grammaticality, I received a prompt response:

 

Dear <blank>,

I contacted you because of the widowfs merciful condition and the urgent need to have this fund transferred out of South Africa into a safe account abroad. I do not know any foreigner but I contacted you as a total stranger because of the Widow's merciful condition, I assure her that I will deliver this assignment by helping her secure this fund in a trusted foreigners account overseas where political climate and investment policies are very favorable.

I contacted you in confidence without minding your integrity and I have made this proposal to you with believe that you will not let me down when the money goes into your account. The widow's wealth is under my custody and with your full cooperation I will consider her job done as I strongly hope to establish a strong long lasting business relationship with you.

As I stated in my first email, this fund is well placed in a security company here with a fictitious name and can only be transferred successfully out of the country with your name as a foreigner hence foreigners are empowered by the law of my country to transfer fund out of the country without limitations under repatriation of earnings but citizens are not allowed to transfer funds to foreign lands and that is the reason I am contacting you in strict confidence with hope that my trust and confidence is not in any where misplaced.I got your contact from my secretary who have lived and worked in your country in the past without knowing your business integrity and I am making this contact to you with the believe that you can be trusted.

If you are willing and capable to receive this fund into your safe account, you should arrange to fly down here so that the transfer can be carried out immediately and successfully with your name. After the transfer I will go back with you as one family to secure the fund in a personal account, which you are going to assist me to open as soon as we share according to my earlier stated percentages.

You should not worry about your expenses, as all the expenses on both sides will be deducted accordingly from the total sum as soon as the fund goes into your account before we can share as we agreed but you should keep good records of your expenses even if it is one cent. The widow has assured me that she will never let you down.

Bearing all this in mind, I will be grateful if you can fax a copy of your international passport/drivers license for identification, your office and home location addresses.

Let us do this after the transfer of the fund then you will looke for wife.Send me your account details where you will like the fund to be transfer to.

Sincerely,

Dr.Kevin Hop,


One thing was getting me, though, he had my name completely wrong.
Yes, doctor kevin hop. I am sorry my name is not <blank>, i took that because he is my favorite glass harmonica player in my favorite goth band "candy stripers". My real name is Blanche Puddinpounder, I am 27 years old. My friend erin was living in Johannesburg, do you know her?

Im seeking someone to share in my adventures, someone with a spiritual bloodthirst that can only be realized in a cathartic burst of seminal mucous. Also, they must like long walks on the beach and be willing to move me to the beach.

I am sorry Kelvin (may I call you that, or does you perfer Dr. Hoop?), I doesnt haves a international driving license OR a passport. Is there other a way to accomplish said task.

I already want to eat your next letter. I cant wait until I am RICH!

Blanche


Thankfully, with transactions of this nature, respect is commonplace.
Dear Blanche Puddinpounder,

Are you sure you are capable to handle this business? Send me your account information where you like the fund to transfer to,Why you don't have passport can you think that you can travel without passport,I want to ensure you this business is totaly free so i have make all the arrangement with ministers, there is document wiche will back up the fund to your account. And as soon as you sign then the fund will going into your account with out further delay.

I wait to hear from you.

Best Regards,

Dr.Kevin Hopkins,


What I like the best is that the initial form letter was relatively well written, but "Kevin Hop" seemed to be losing his diction rapidly over the course of a few days. I followed suit.

Dear Dr. Keving Hip

Does I haves to go all the way to nigeria to do this? I am thinking it may be too far to drive? I still want your money, and I have bucket (I SAID BUCKETS) of cash to give you to get my money, but why no wife yet?

 


With that, Dr Kevin Hopkins stopped writing, I hope he was not caught by the evil people after the MUGGER GOLD MINING money.

Damn.

Well, things are looking up, though, because I have recently received a distress signal from a woman (who I bet is just looking for someone like me) in the Ivory Coast.

Things are starting to look up.


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