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Morty Sharp Is Dead

(this picture has nothing to do with anything.)

 

Thats right! I killed the fuck out of him with my big-ass-hammer! WHAT!?! You don't believe me!?! Sounds like someone is just begging for a visit from me and my big-ass-hammer! Really, its times like these when I am embarrassed to be an Armenian, damnit! Y'see, it all started years ago when Morty Sharp, my then investment banker had assured me of a rich financial future by investing in the small town of Courage Falls, Minnesota. I am not much of a fan of Minnesota, the midwest, or people in general, but since Morty had such an honest face, I couldnt help but trust his judgement. I gave him my life savings ($2,183.48, I remember it to the penny), and what did "Honest" Morty Sharp do? He spent it on Midwestern hookers, kegs of old Milwaukee, hell he even chartered a tour bus to Toronto to do some off-rink betting on that years winter curling hopefuls.

That SON OF A BITCH! Since then I have spent a great deal of time being explained to that not only does Courage Falls, MN not exist, but that I am NOT EVEN AN ARMENIAN.

So, now you are probably wondering what the hell I am talking about, and how you can avoid being taken advantage of by people like Morty Sharp. Well, I'll tell you!

#1 Dont Trust an Honest Face! Thats right, no one has an honest face, I can tell you that. Honesty is a generalized form of the trickery that goes down at singles bars every night. It is not that the person has a deep down quality that exudes from their pores, making you trust them. Rather, its a carefully planned charade of presentation, it is not their honesty, but their repeated rehearsal of velar consonants that hypnotize you into "saying yes, and signing checks."

#2 Dont Trust People from the Midwest! Everybody knows that the midwest is full of inbred cornhuskers and cheesefuckers, but maybe you didnt know that people from the midwest actually have a deformed corpus callosum, keeping their brain hemispheres separate, often resulting in delusional behavior, split personalities and the ability to reproduce asexually. The original midwesterners grew from the byproducts of fermented corn and cattle runoff, causing a permanent illiteracy. While underground genetic modification has fixed this temporary disability, midwesterners still retain illiteracy as an aspect of traditional culture. Additionally, midwesterners run on a ubiquitous, invisible evil gas that emits from small towns and government subsidized crops. This gas migrates towards large saltwater bodies and causes a mirage of civilization while decimating the local ecosystem. The most obvious examples of this are Chicago and Detroit.

#3 Scream Constantly and Carry a Big-Ass-Hammer! That lardass president was on to something when he said that, BUT it turns out that his birth and life in New York City was a deliberate misinformation campaign. In fact he was a midwesterner who had graduated Magna Cum Laude in "Honesty Replication" and through his pheremone tampering spread this quote as yet another way to catch the human race off-guard. I have proof, but there is not enough space to put it in right now, so you'll have to take my word for it, but I am not from the midwest, you can tell because you are implicitly not believing a word I say. This quote had fatal flaws though: you will always be safer if you are screaming. Do you think that someone will break in to your house if they hear loud screaming? Do you think you will be mugged if you are already sending out distress signals? Do you think you will remain a wage slave in a dead end job if you spend all day screaming and ignoring your midwestern wanna-be manager? The other half is equally false, sticks break, and are very hard to beat people to death with, especially with a tough exoskeleton like the kind found on the modern breeds of midwesterner. Hence, the big-ass-hammer!

#4 Shoelaces are a Mind-Control Tool! Shoelaces were developed for the sole purpose of keeping the American population docile. How could something so innocent control your mind? Simple, acupressure. For centuries the chinese kept their female population (rightly so, the descendents of "The Rib" are even more insidious) subjugated with primitive cords wrapped around their feet. These were simply primitive forms of shoelacii! The orientals long ago perfected the idea of controlling people by applying pressure to their vital organs, and the feet are no exception. Well, they arent an organ, but they are representative of motion, and while shoes are like motion condoms, the shoelace is the corset, applying pressure across the top of the feet numbs the circulation stunting the natural inclination to rebel against the insect-like midwesterners.

#5 Support the Initiative to Sink the Midwest! Corn is not the only grain, and rice can grow in shallow water, while midwesterners cannot. With a simple $87 billion dollars, we could easily barricade and flood the entire midwest region with freshwater, diluting the pollution of the great lakes and putting an end to Detroit and Morty Sharp once and for all. Think about it: no more Insane Clown Posse, shitty American cars, or Ohpra! No more burning lakes! No more Jerry Springer! No more Ohio! Call your congressfolk now and tell them that you support HR-507!

If you follow these steps, I am certain you will not find yourself in the predicament that I am constantly in. Your teeth will be whiter, you will rediscover the joys of Velcro, your voice box will be tougher, people will admire your enormous hammer, and most of all, you can scream-rest-assured that you wont be troubled by Morty Sharp.

Thank you,

Bifftastic.


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