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Pachinko Sexy Reaction: What the fuck?

Of all the vices and habits in the smorgasboard of life, one I have never been especially drawn to is gambling. For me, the allure of being in some strange place, losing my money sitting in front of some machine getting drunk as the hours whittle away isnt as appealing as staying at home and doing the same thing. Being a child weaned on arcades, gambling machines have always seemed primitive. At least with arcades it doesnt pretend to give money back, and it usually costs less.

Japan, of course can never have too much in the way of vices and visual stimulation. In the corporate sectors of Tokyo, gambling houses and massage parlors nuzzle against each other on every street corner, trickling promises of quick gratification from their neon tongues. Between the billboards and the hustlers, offers are made, prices are haggled, and boring ass games like mahjong are played. This is the home of Pachinko.

Pachinko is a microcosm of Japan: clustered, confusing, flashy, and controlled by a grizzled old man with his hand on a button, cigarette smoldering in to the filter clenched between his yellowed teeth, the flashing lights reflected palely in the coke bottle lenses covering his dead eyes, drowned in the swell of buzzers and sirens.

Pachinko is called "Japanese Pinball", because it has nothing to do with pinball. Like so many other things it earned the "Japanese-" prefix in an attempt to explain to tourists -- probably from the midwest -- something that cannot and probably should not, be explained with simple cultural analogies.

Pachinko, rather, is an elaborate way of playing slots. The only control is a small wheel which determines the speed that the balls are launched in to the maze, once free, the balls tumble down a narrow path guided by tiny nails. Most of the pieces fall in to oblivion, but when the occasional piece makes its way into one of the flashing plastic vulvas, every light on the machine flashes and the sublime musical score wrought by the banshees of hell blesses you. That, and the video display in the center invariably spins a slot machine. If the video slots class, you get a prize of more pachinko balls (not to mention the token prize for landing the vulva).

Gambling machines are bullshit. They are designed to rip you off, and pay you back a percentage of what you have lost at time intervals calculated to make you spend the most money. The classic machines are wired to work this way based on simple machinery, and once created, there are relatively few options you can set with it. Video gambling, on the other hand, can do whatever the fuck it wants to. Computers can cheat, and you would have to be a fucking idiot to think that every aspect of a computer gambling game hasn't been set to take the most of your money that it possibly can. Gambling doesnt work on the individual, casinos pay winning amount out to a few random people and compensate by taking everyone elses money. If you win a particularly large amount gambling, and continue to gamble, you will eventually lose more than you ever won.

So that is pachinko: a single dial that controls the speed that a ball enters a predetermined path, that occasionally starts a program made to rob you. Like I said, I dont understand gambling.

Because pachinko, like everything else, is a vile corrupting influence and cancer on society, its use is restricted to minors. This naturally has infuriated everyone from pachinko machine makers to pachinko parlor owners to the companies that own them. These people, never to be outdone formed a band of freedom fighters determined to liberate people from the oppression of not being able to gamble for a few years.

Finally, someone got the formula right. While digging through the many arcade roms I have, I found one that combines two great traditions: the monotonous soul-draining drudgery of pachinko and machines that reward you for completing monotonous tasks with pictures of erotic pictures of deformed cartoon characters, for a price. The name of this godless chimera: Pachinko Sexy Reaction

There are several economic benefits for the company that produced this: it is a video game, so it never pays out; the only artwork can be contracted out to the japanese blue chip industry of artists who draw naked chicks with huge tits; and, most importantly, it gets kids hooked on gambling for a low cost and associates the feeling of winning at gambling with sexual stimulation in the form of domniation and humiliation of adolscent girls, thereby ensuring a lifelong habit of gambling to hide from the sharp edges of their twisted psyche.

Fortunately for me, I was playing this through the miracle of emulation (which is how i got the nice screen shots), so the only thing wasted was my time, which hasn't been worth much since I quit the russian national touring ballet. Another advantage is that I was able to use keyboard as a controlled and could just set the speed to fire out, reducing the game to simply pushing a button to release the balls.

The game itself is an awkward hodge podge of the two mediums. It relies on standard pachinko scoring, but instead of returning balls to you as the slot machine hits, it add points to your score. The object, then, is to reach a specific score before moving on to the next level, board, and ultimately, the next stripping cos play anime girl.

what the hell is that? That being said, there is nothing particularly interesting about this game, as it is just slightly less offensive that whats on any given magazine rack (or book rack, or anything being read by anyone on a train). I do, however, find it refreshing that a japanese company had the balls to stand up and make such a bold statement about the equality of sex and money, and such a stirring, realistic portrayal of using advanced video pachinko skills to force teenage girls into increasingly bizarre and humiliating outfits while they protest in adorable cartoon squeals.

Way to go!

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