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Wookin Pa Nub

Right, well, this is a rather sad chronicle of my experiences with personal ads, that was unfortunately cut short by a malfunctioning form, and of course, my lazyness.

It all started when I realized what I really wanted, was somebody that didnt know me, but wanted to meet me through the internet based on my obvious physical merits, and my refreshingly brilliant expository writing style. Mostly, though, I wanted to end up on the side bar of the Onion. Foolishly thinking that submitting an ad there might somehow put me in to a larger circle of personal ads, this was before I had noticed that many large sites have their own set of personal ads.

Drawing together my intellectual resources, I gathered the most flattering photographs of myself, and tendered a thoughtful, introspective profile of myself, explaining my likes and dislikes, and peppered it with my unique blend of sentimental yearning mixed with modern new age sensibilities.

This is the result.

Sadly, though I spent the next fortnight pining, and hoping that special someone would write and sweep me off my feet. Sadly, nothing. As the days went by, I regressed in to a world of depeche mode and goth poetry as my tender soul wept. Gradually, as I pulled myself from a melancholia draped in the ashen tears of my despondant solitude, I resolved to try again.

My problem, as I saw it, was that I had applied to an american website with a national reading. While at first I though my tastes had been too exotic, instead I realized that I was simply looking in the wrong place.

Well, after learning what success a friend of mine had had, and that a local magazine catered towards english speakers offered free personals, I decided it was time for me to pick myself up, and give it a shot.

A quick survey of the popular ads showed me I was in the right place. Displayed prominently in the center was an ad "I am a large black african man. I want to meet you for sex and nothing further." I shit you not. Naturally, I knew I could do better.

There was one problem: I wanted a little bit of anonymity. The gaijin population in tokyo is surprisingly small, and taking out a budget personal ad could quite possibly ruin my massive reputation. Well, the perfect pseudonym didnt escape me for long; I simply thought about which of my qualities I would like to putforward in an address that would sound appealing to someone wanting to introduce themselves to me, and possibly arrange to meet before actually knowing who I was.

Then, it struck me! Faceshredder! Unfortunately, it was already taken, probably by a more clever and auspicious death-metal goth. Whoever you are, you picked a worthy name. Not wanting to sound like I just came up with the name, I decided to tack on one of those eternally chic 2000's at the end, that were so popular 5 years ago, when everyone from busta rhymes to Redman was tagging it on to the end of their albums. The final consideration, of course, was the size of the account to be able to receive the impending flood of responses I was sure to get.

Thus was born: faceshredder2000@yahoo.com

So packed with testosterone, I almost got pregnant thinking it up. I pity the women reading this. Might be about time for that check-up.

Thinking with my best manners and diction, I composed my first romantic masterpiece (28 words or less):

Charisma-chan! please carry me like sexy sexy house! we do food, alcohol, crimes. Me pasty flacid man, you: female, short-finger nails, well shorn stinkclam. BRING TOOTHBRUSH! faceshredder2000@yahoo.com

It's apparent brilliance somehow was unappreciated. Within a day I received the following mail:

To: "carp smacker" <faceshredder2000@yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 20 Aug 2003 03:01:41 GMT
Subject: Rejection Notification

Thank you for submitting this classified: 'Charisma-chan!' to Metropolis magazine and Japan Today classifieds. Unfortunately this classified has been rejected for the following reason:
Inappropriate content. Your ad has been deemed to contain inappropriate or unacceptable content.
Please try resubmitting a reworded ad.

Not to be discouraged, I took their suggestion and reworded the ad (although I still dont understand what is inherently offensive with the first one). After several hours of Haiku (I am a 9th degree black belt in Haiku) practice, I managed to completely express my intentions and desires

Are You 18?
I want to have sex with you and videotape it. Must enjoy: salty, viscous fluids; paying for stuff. Send photo. Groups accepted. faceshredder2000@yahoo.com

Again, simple, straightforward, and no bullshit. None of this, "I am seeking a soulmate, long walks on the beach" crap that most of the losers put in. In a way, I thought my ad might have been a brave step forward in the dark and pathetic world of online dating. But NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, some narrow minded type-setting pundit just hit the "reject" button, throwing me back in to a long, miserable depression.

After several weeks of watching powder and discussing its decadent, morbid beauty on the forums on GothNet, I felt ready to try again. While not dissuaded from honesty, I decided to be honest in a different way:

Wanted: Annoying Japanese Girlfriend. Must have 5 inch platform shoes, poor taste in clothing and music. Must scream KAWAAAAAAAIIIIII! at everything, constantly. Orange lips, skin, hair, preferred. faceshredder2000@yahoo.com

Again, I was rejected.

Now, seriously. What the fuck is wrong with that. Yes, I say annoying, but most of these inbred army fuckers who live in tokyo want exactly that, an annoying, irradiated shrieking banshee, slave to heinous fashion and subjecting themselves to carcinogenic skin treatments to look orange.

If I posted a want-ad saying "Wanted: trashy romance novel," or "Wanted: broken down car for spare parts," would that be offensive? If you are subconsciously drawing a parallel between seeking low quality objects and personal ads and you find that somehow offensive, you have clearly never been to Japan, and never pondered the concept of advertising yourself or your romantic desires in pure description to the extent that you realized what a sublimely putrid aspect of modern society it is.

Disappointed, but plucky, I decided to check the front page again, and see if I could get some pointers as to what the editing gods considered an appropriate personal. Again, in the popular ads, I struck gold, just on the opening page! It said something like "Seeking a taste of the east" or some other such trite crap that desparate women for some reason seem to gulp out of Kaiser helmets. What the fuck does that mean? Sorry, its late.

I went back to the drawning board, I thought I could combine traditional Japanese expectations of women, under a peeling veneer of blockheaded fratboy sensitivity:

Looking for japanese flavor: bland, salty, smells like the ocean and packaged with cookie-cutter regularity. Must conform unquestioningly and serve me with blind admiration. Must serve tea, speak with high voice.

Rejected. OK. Now that pissed me off. Why? Well, some day Ill tell you all about Office Lady culture and the jobs women are allowed to get; Ill tell you all about the horrible fucking uniforms that all the kids here have to wear as training outfits until they upgrade to their professional suits and mock flight-attendants uniforms; but I would honestly prefer to leave the food out of it. Japanese people take great pride in their food, even though most of it is really fucking nasty. A japanese person will tell you that the center of their diet is rice. It is not. Seawater is the center of the japanese diet, and that is what everything tastes like, the soup, the meat, the doorknobs, everything is so goddamn salty I piss rocks.

Again, offensive? No. Well, maybe, but what I find more offensive is that this is the unspoken code of japan, and some asshole dipshit loser gaijin who took the job (I actually enquired into it during one of my marathon unemployment stints, but even I am not enough of a loser to have taken that job, though if I had, I would have some good ads in their you can be damn sure of it...) decides that I cant simply put in words the things that I see being practiced every day.

Self-righteous prick! Doesnt he know that my personal ads are a sickening, sticky labor of self-love? They are my poetry, AND YOU DONT EDIT MY GODDAMN POETRY!

That being said, I will leave you with some of my goth poetry, with apologies to those who have already read it in my critically acclaimed anthology, "Sanguine Darkness: Goth Poetry from a Tortured Soul"

Loneliness and icy pain
raven tears and constant rain
the sultry lust of my vampiric sense
alone I burn incense
how pale my skin like a vampire
in solace i wait for my time to expire
the lamenting shadow of darkness falls
I am a prisoner in mind own minds walls
endless sorrow with no repent
echoes the twilight of my discontent

Dont be jealous.

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